Kale and Lilly

 

My Feet and God's Mercies

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Two Monday's ago I began my job as a groundskeeper. I was aware this would entail early hours, heat and physical labor. I was okay with these aspects. Granted, waking up at 4:30 am is not exactly a piece of cake. I found that it was easy for me call it an "ungodly" hour (as the majority of people often do). But seriously, it allows me to be up zooming around in a golf cart as the sun rises. I know why books refer to the air this time of day as crisp. There is a beautiful freshness to that earl morning air. It seems to shout out in triumph, “His mercies are new every morning!” The birds sing; each of them their own given song. Individual tunes unified singing praise to God. I know every hour is a godly hour. God creates each moment. I must sing like the birds. What song shall I sing? I must sing the song God has given me. It is easy in that moment to have a heart overflowing with joy and give God glory. But I know I must sing my song of praise which God has given me in all circumstances, not just in that moment but continually, even when I do not feel like it.

That first morning on the job I was full of new excitement. God was good. It was my birthday. I turned twenty-two. I was getting excited for what my future might hold and this job would allow me to dwell upon those things while I pulled weeds etc. I was not in the least bit worried about being hot and working hard. Heat, I deal with well, in fact I think I enjoy being hot. And as for physical labor I thrive on it in some way. It is extremely satisfying.

My first day started just as I had anticipated. I weeded. I put to practice the well-learned skill which had been honed oh-so-well at home. As my feet usually do when weeding, they fell asleep and I altered positions frequently. Although it rained some throughout the morning, not a cloud was in sight in my mind.

As the day continued, my feet remained asleep; Tingling and numb.  With this odd sensation I began to flop my feet on the grond as I walked. I was humiliated at the thought people would think this is how I normally walk (I had always prided myself in my ability to tread quite quietly. After lunch I was working spreading compost around in flower beads when I kept stumbling; tripping on my feet. "What is this?" I wondered. At one point, I went down completely. I felt like a complete idiot. "So this is what it feels like to be uncoordinated" I thought.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

My feet remained asleep the rest of the day. By the time I was ready for the rest of me to fall asleep; I realized I could not lift my right foot at all. That is, I could not bring it up to flex. I could point my foot but when I tried to lift it back up, it was as if I was not even trying. It was as though all communication from my brain to my foot was severed. The same sensation was happening to my left foot only less severe. I panicked. Even in the dead of winter, I do not wear socks to bed. I hate that restricting feeling. Now I was faced with that claustrophobic sense while sockless. I regained my composure, trying to rationally think things through. Horrified, I concluded I was becoming paralyzed. Once again, I was tried to bridle my fear. If I was to become paralyzed that would be okay. I would put my trust in God. I calmly went upstairs to report to my mom my feet’s inability to lift. My dad was in a meeting so there was no point in calling him. So calmly, I went back to bed.

There in the dark my claustrophobia returned, and my imagination let loose. I cannot tell you all that went through my head. There in my head rare fantastical diseases plagued me. I would never walk again. I confess I let my imagination run full speed. And what did I think of it all? I wrestled hard in my head. What if I never walk again? Well, if that was to be God’s will, I would be okay with it. I would have more time to read and make art. What?!!! No! That would NOT be OK! I would never be able to run in the woods again! I would rather die than be confined sitting all day! Nope, I have to walk. I have plans. I want to do things in life. To do those things, I need to walk.

Eventually my dad got home and diagnosed me with foot drop. He only ever saw it in older patients. I got 15 tubes of blood drawn. And every test came back negative. A trip to the Neurologist confirmed that it was caused by pinching my nerves in my knees. She called it peripheral neuropathy. Put simply, I have slightly more sensitive nerves and I ought not to do anything to pinch them, such as: squatting, sitting cross-legged etc. as I could possibly obtain foot drop permanently. And slowly but surely I am recovering.

I am beginning to see how this whole ordeal was a great mercy. The morning air of my 22^nd birthday shouted to me, “God’s mercies are new every morning.” I did not now in that moment God would give me a new mercy that day. The mercy was scary. I lost the feeling of control not only in my feet but in my life. I know I am not in control but I my flesh I want to believe I am. God’s merciful hand shook me in love and showed me his plan is bigger. Bigger than whatever my immense imagination could conger up.

“The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The LORD is my portion’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.’” Lamentations 3:22-24.

Later, thinking back on the situation I saw how I deceived myself into believing that my entire purpose of life would change if I could no longer walk. However, I know my purpose in life is to glorify God. Losing my ability walk would not have changed that purpose. If God chose to take away my ability to walk, my purpose would remain the same, to glorify God and enjoy him forever. It would be my plans on how I thought I should bring glory to God that would change. It was not until much later, I realized the impact of this. God would have provided me with a new vision of life; a vision that would be all the more beautiful. Christ needs to be the center; my one and only hope. Visions and plans for life are good. But through my feet ordeal (even though I knew it in my head) I learned Christ must be the center of the vision. Christ is the one and only goal the rest I must hold with open hands. God gave me a song to sing; a life-song for Christ. And just like the birds that morning on my birthday, singing each their given song with all their little heart, no questions asked. I too must sing my song.

"'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Lilly

Here are a few of my favorites of little Miss Lilly.

(And no I did not edit these with photoshop. I had some really great light to work with)

I love here blue eyes :)

I took some in B/W too

Haha She is a girl of many faces!

Lots of energy and spunk! :P

While I was taking pictures of Lilly Kale was keeping himself happy with books and his pirate ship. I thought he was not paying attention to what I was doing until I found him mimicking me. Haha. That made my day =)